Learning to Shrug Your Shoulders
I sound my barbaric yawp over the roofs of the world.”
― Walt Whitman
One of the most pertinent lessons of being a highly sensitive and intense person is learning to shrug your shoulders when you feel ostracised by the world, rejected by a friend, or abandoned by a lover.
We can start by acknowledging and accepting who we are to gain such strength.
Your trait as an atypical, sensitive, and intense person is a gift.
You did nothing to get it, nor can you get rid of it.
It was given to you at birth. You are wired that way.
You love deeply, but you may not be able to say it.
You see beauty where others don’t, but you may not have a pal who appreciates it alongside you.
You have a unique sense of humor, and those who understand it are delighted by your presence.
“A normal day” for you is a roller coaster ride for others. You have a million shades of emotions, nuanced observations, and complex thoughts at any given hour.
Your thoughts are deep and complex. When you read a book, listen to a song, or watch a movie, what you see or hear are not merely images or sounds. But rather multi-layered, interwoven meanings and existential questions. Your mind has the ability to travel a million miles even if you sit still.
You may not know it yourself; others certainly don’t see it, but your heart breaks when you see the world’s pain.
You love fiercely — not just humans but nature, science, the arts, a discipline, and the world. As a child, you were not afraid to show it. But when you realize how much your passion threatens others, you learned to hide.
How much do we adjust our intensity and oddity to match the world’s frequency? Any intense and sensitive misfits across time and space ask this question.
If you tell the truth, others become frightened.
You are relentlessly giving, but not everyone can reciprocate.
You may be dismissed and judged when you try to reveal the real you, speak your mind, and express your true feelings.
People may blatantly say you are dramatic, arrogant, and extreme. Or, they quietly retreat and passively punish you.
It takes incredible courage to stand up for yourself and be who you are.
But
Here is a crucial piece of wisdom for the neuro-atypical gifted soul that you are:
Once you accept yourself, other people’s judgment, criticism, and rejection… will hurt less.
If you can wholeheartedly accept your intensity and drive for what others see as odd, you will find it easier to navigate the world.
Your interpersonal fragility will decrease because you no longer depend on other people’s love, acceptance, praise, approval, and appreciation.
In the past, if a friend went silent, you might immediately think you had done “too much.” You would wonder if you had said too much, revealed too much, acted too extremely, or acted in a way that elicited their judgment. You might have fallen into the trap of self-blame and shame. You might blame yourself for acting the way you did.
You might be unable to do anything else while you anxiously await their responses. You might wonder how you can edit your words and change your personality so that you will not be rejected again. If you had experienced family trauma in your childhood, intense feelings could arise. You might feel abandoned by the world and betrayed by those who are supposed to love you. You sink into a deep ditch of silent anger and hopelessness.
In some therapies, you are told to eradicate the thoughts and feelings because they are ‘irrational’ and that you are ‘catastrophizing’.
But intellectually, knowing the rejection may or may not be true doesn’t mean your nervous system can calm down. To the hurt inner child within you, even the mere chance that someone would dislike you can feel like the world is collapsing.
Thus, rather than rationalizing and arguing with ourselves, the ultimate strategy is to parent yourself so well that you will no longer be dependent on other people’s love and approval.
Here is a new path that will bring you more peace, freedom, and joy — the way of unconditional self-love. Having it, you no longer hinge on your peace and sanity on your other people’s timely responses to you, what they think of you, or whether or not they like you.
Learn to be yourself — intense, sensitive, quietly empathetic, restless, curious, and passionate.
Do not pretend to know less than you do, do not hide the extent of your true feelings, and do not put yourself down before others say something.
Make a joke even if it is not understood, cry when you feel the urge, and laugh out loud when you want to.
Call when you want to, be warm if you want to, and speak your mind without over-editing every word.
Express your strong opinions and respect others, tell them you are offended when you are, and it is okay to express your needs even you are not asking others to meet them.
Authenticity is your natural ‘filter’.
If someone loves the above, they are your person.
If not, you need not bow to their preferences and lovingly release them to find someone better suited to be their friend.
As long as you act honestly, the outcome is best for all.
When a relationship or friendship ends, you are naturally sad and disappointed. Still, at the same time, you have learned to shrug your shoulders and know that for every person who rejects your qualities, there will be another person who will fall in love with them.
If they say you are ‘too much’ for them, then perhaps they are ‘not enough’ for you.
Other people’s judgment cannot hurt you if you do not allow it to hurt you.
Your intensity may mean that it is harder to find acceptance in the “general population,” but the rarity of your gift is also what makes it a gift. When you find someone who appreciates your intelligence, is excited by your processing speed and delights in your humor, you will create a space that feels so transcendental you realize you do not need the whole world to love you.
Even if you have not found your soulmate yet, there’s no reason not to fall entirely in love with yourself.
Your rich life experience, unique perspective on the world, and deep empathy for sentient beings near and far … are all wonderful qualities that deserve love and appreciation from first and foremost yourself.
Consider how much lonelier it is to be with someone with whom you need to edit yourself than it is to be alone but connected to yourself.
There are ways you can learn to be alone and not be lonely.
Look in the mirror and appreciate your beauty.
Cook a delicious meal and be grateful that you have functioning sense organs.
Take a walk in nature and be enchanted by the colors and beauty of the sky.
Feel in your body the deep knowledge that every animal, tree, and flower is your friend. You are anything but alone.
Look up into the sky and talk to ‘God’, the Buddha, Allah, any higher power that you believe in, or a departed loved one, knowing that they are forever in your heart and that love never ends.
Build a personal library and have virtual conversations with brilliant and like-minded souls near and far.
Create a piece of art or music that expresses your most profound truth, and know that the moment someone resonates with your work is a deep spiritual connection.
There are ways to take such good care of yourself that growing old means sage-ing up.
Know yourself so well that you say no to that which does not excite your heart.
Give yourself permission to receive nourishment and know that you are worth it.
Be so gentle, so loving, and compassionate with yourself that you feel safe in your own presence.
Be so encouraging and loving that you do not believe in mistakes, only in learning.
Accept the imperfection of friendships; enjoy what is there and let go of what is not.
Mourn the ideal parents you never had, but vow to be the best parents you can be, even to yourself.
Sylvia Plath did say the best way to get what you want is to be who you are.
So, starting today, when something has not gone the way you expected, when you feel judged by the world, rejected by a friend, or abandoned by a lover, can you learn to be on your own side?
Shrug your shoulders.
Give yourself a big hug.
Then move on and
Rock on.
(This is a part of a longer article on High Functioning Autism; on eggshelltherapy.com)
“I’m not so weird to me.”
― Haruki Murakami
