Between Two Worlds: 8 Challenges as a Second Generation Immigrant
It is a well known fact that immigrants trying to start over in a new country face many obstacles. However, the many challenges faced by children born to immigrant parents are rarely discussed in the public sphere or in academic circles. In particular, second-generation immigrants struggle with unique difficulties like cultural dissonance, feelings of isolation, and identity crises.
In this article, we will discuss the many difficulties and traumas experienced by second-generation immigrants, and will address more controversial issues, such as overcoming the unconscious guilt of surpassing one’s parents, codependency, parentification, and intergenerational trauma.
― Julie Otsuka, The Buddha in the Attic
Who exactly are “second-generation immigrants”?
Let’s start with a definition of “second-generation immigrant.”
There are varying and sometimes contradictory definitions available online. The term “second-generation immigrant” is an oxymoron, so it’s easy to see why people would be confused by it. While we use the term “second-generation immigrant,” some people prefer the term “first-generation immigrant” to describe those born to immigrant parents in the host country.
In this piece, we will adopt the definition from the US Census Bureau. First-generation immigrants, in their view, are the first members of their family to become U.S. citizens or permanent residents. Most of the time, these are referred to as the “immigrant parents.” Conversely, second-generation immigrants are American citizens born to parents who were originally from another country.
So basically, you are considered a “second generation immigrant” if you were born in the United States to parents who were immigrants.
8 Challenges Faced by Second Generation Immigrants
1. The Weight of Unspoken Guilt
As a second-generation immigrant, you might have grown up seeing your immigrant parents juggle multiple jobs or endure hostile work environments. They were unable to afford fine apparel or even basic entertainment. They made effort to hide the pain and stress that they were under, but you could read it in their eyes and body language. You might have thought you were too young to feel responsible for your parents’ sacrifices, but the memories of their hardships will always be with you.
Some immigrant parents constantly bring up the past and everything they had to give up to migrate. What this means is obvious: “You better choose the life I would have chosen if given the options you have.” While you know that your parent’s intentions are good and aren’t trying to put undue pressure on you, you can’t help but feel like you owe them something.
All children naturally feel responsible for their parents’ suffering. If you know that your immigrant parents came to a new country to “give you a better life,” your sense of unjustified guilt will be even more acute. Perhaps your young mind automatically blamed yourself when you saw them in distress, convinced that you must have done something wrong or failed to do enough to help. So you studied harder, did more housework, counseled them, became their emotional clutch, and even punching bag. You did everything possible to be an even more obedient and diligent child than you already were, but your parents’ difficulties persisted despite your best efforts. The resulting feelings of guilt (from thinking “I did not do enough”) or shame (from thinking “I am not enough/defective”) can have lasting consequences. If you felt that you weren’t worthy of happiness as a child, this unconscious belief could lead you to sabotage your personal and professional life as an adult.
Unresolved guilt can show up in seemingly unrelated ways: Perhaps you are unable to take care of yourself and have a poor relationship with money. When your inner drill sergeant acts as a jailer, you overwork and feel bad when you take time off to unwind or have fun. You feel like a fraud, despite all your outward success. At the office, you put up with mistreatment and exploitation. If you were taught that complaining about anything was wrong, you now repress your feelings. You are wary of being vulnerable with anyone as you fear you are imposing on them, even in close friendships and romantic partnerships.
To recover from this significant but common challenge faced by second-generation immigrants, you can have an introspective investigation into the roots of your guilt and shame. Your emotions, of course, feel very real, but they have no rational basis. You didn’t cause your parents hardship, you didn’t choose this for your parents, and there wasn’t anything a child who came after them could do to change their fate. Most immigrant parents’ primary goal is to ensure their children’s happiness and success. While a fraction of them may be jealous of your financial success, their best selves truly want you to flourish. Truly, you have been a blessing to your parents.
You may not be able to change what caused your unconscious guilt or shame, but you can work to overcome them and start living the life you deserve.
2. You Don’t Have a Place to Call Home
If you were born to parents who were immigrants, you may feel that you have lived “between” two cultures all your life. The identities of second-generation immigrants are complex and dynamic. Unlike your parents, your sense of self does not revolve solely around your heritage from the old country. But neither is it a purely Eurocentric integration into the new country. Thus, you will be constantly in a “transition zone” whose complexity cannot be put into words. Colonialism, war, and immigration policy are some of the broader sociological factors that shed light on identity and acculturation.
As a second-generation immigrant, you are constantly torn between honoring your family history and accepting the modern culture in which you found yourself. You may have been conditioned to behave a certain way around your relatives but a very different way around your friends. Something that is generally accepted where you currently live may be met with disapproval in your parents’ hometown. You may have felt bad about enjoying a facet of the new culture that was not accepted by the old. For example, the more collectivist and family-oriented values of your immigrant parents may clash with the American value of personal freedom and autonomy. You have not had the opportunity to explore and solidify your identity if you are constantly hiding one or more aspects of your personality to fit in like a chameleon. A lack of inner harmony can lead to persistent disillusionment and a general malaise that is difficult to shake off. You may even now be struggling with the consequences of identity confusion, for example, having difficulty deciding on important life goals such as a career or a love partner.
― Amy Tan, The Joy Luck Club
3. The intellectual gap in immigrant families that no one talks about
A taboo issue faced by second-generation immigrants is the chasm your immigrant parents had to cross to keep up with you intellectually.
Second-generation immigrants, especially the bright and inquisitive ones, may experience a painful awakening as they see the gap between their ideal parents and reality. While other families can have engaging discussions about current events, your parents may seem rooted in the past and unable to see beyond their narrow perspective. Your parents have shown no understanding of diversity, feminism, the downside of capitalism, etc., and you were never engaged in intellectual or political discussions about these topics at home. They only seem interested in the most basic matters, such as security, status and shelter.
The intellectual distance between you and your parents can make even the most day-to-day conversations arduous, if not downright painful. If you are well-read, knowledgeable, well-traveled, and open-minded, you can’t help but see your parents’ potential and the gap between how things are and how they could be,
If you’re gifted, you just in general find it difficult to deal with people who are uninformed, closed-minded, and quick to pass faulty judgment. Therefore, you feel uneasy or compelled to challenge your parents when they say or do things that go against your values. However, if you try to correct them, they may become defensive and either avoid you or become combative.
Every time you feel critical of your parents, a pang of guilt may wash over you; but still you can’t help but feel it or even do it. Even though you have great respect and love for your parents, you may find it challenging to relax and be completely yourself around them. You feel existentially alone in your own home, but you have no one to vent to about it because it is such a taboo.
4. You feel unseen by your own family
Despite all your efforts, you are unable to be seen for who you truly are by the people who brought you into this world — your immigrant parents.
They had high standards for your academic performance, punctuality at home, and diligence in completing your chores and duties. But no one seemed genuinely curious to know the real you behind the role of “good kid.” Not because they do not love you but because they lack the capacity to.
In addition, your immigrant parents may not have been exposed to global perspectives to understand your place in the world. They think you are ‘good’ because you get high grades and have a steady job, but that misses the point. They do not know how to appreciate your ability to think independently, your willingness to stand up for what you believe in, your commitment to social justice, and your courage to defend the truth. They may also not appreciate the things that truly set you apart from others, such as your sharp mind, compassion, and innate understanding of human nature.
When it comes to our own family, it can be extremely hurtful to hear that we are “too much” (too emotional, too dramatic, too demanding, too intense, too sensitive, etc.). The pain of not being recognized or even rejected by our own family can cause immeasurable suffering that lasts a lifetime, even when we try to rationalize it by saying we are materially well-provided for.
If your parents are constantly trying to mold you to their ideal, it can lead you to create what psychologists call a “false self.” This is what children do when their genuine expressions and spontaneity are rejected. They develop and maintain a false personality that caters to their parent’s expectations. Even as an adult, you may end up with only your “persona” and no real sense of identity. When you hide your true feelings and thoughts from others, and yourself, you feel hollow, lifeless, inauthentic, and as if you are living someone else’s life rather than your own.
You suffer because a part of you — your inner child — still wants to be recognized by the parents you never had.
5. Stranded in Codependency as a Child of Immigrants
It is sadly quite common for parents and children in immigrant families to develop an unhealthy level of codependency. Codependency has many forms, but at its core, it is an unbalanced relationship in which one person’s sense of self worth depends on how much they sacrifice for the other. Codependency is characterized by behaviors such as rescuing and overhelping.
Parentification, the spoken or latent expectation that children take on the role of an adult and care for their parents (a form of role reversal), is often associated with codependency in immigrant families. Parentification can occur in a variety of ways. Some examples include asking the child to take on household chores such as cooking or cleaning at a young age, babysitting younger siblings while parents are away, mentoring an emotionally vulnerable parent, acting as a surrogate partner (also known as emotional incest), or having adult-parent conversations about financial issues or serious matters in which the child should not be involved.
Children become overwhelmed, confused, and traumatized when they assume parental responsibilities too early. They begin to believe they are valued only for their usefulness (for what they accomplish and do for the family) rather than for who they naturally are. They grow up unable to believe in their worth or that they deserve unconditional love. Because they are not seen or heard for who they are, many struggle with identity confusion and inner emptiness. If you have been parentified from a young age, you have been deprived of a carefree childhood. This creates an insurmountable void that can never be filled. Even as an adult, you may struggle with excessive guilt, being overly responsible for others, being resentful in relationships, having difficulty making decisions or setting boundaries, etc. In some cases, this can even lead to physical health problems as you suffer a lifetime of excessive stress and hypervigilance.
When co-dependency exists between children and their parents, a toxic relationship dynamic develops. You may feel obligated to put your parent’s needs before your own, blame yourself for their problems, worry about them constantly, feel responsible for their happiness, be unable to say “no” or set boundaries, and neglect your own needs.
When you are trapped in a co-dependent relationship, you can feel very conflicted and ambivalent about your parents, and you find yourself in a dilemma of love and resentment. Part of you is trapped in the mission to rescue or help your parents, while the other part of you is filled with anger and resentment because their needs stunted you. This is a complex issue, but more helpful books and resources are becoming available as awareness grows. You can even access co-dependency support groups (called CoDA).
Fortunately, recovering from a dysfunctional relationship is possible if you recognize it and seek the help you need. This does not mean you have to cut all ties with your parents, but you do need to find a more mature and sustainable way of being with them.
6. Your immigrant parents criticize your lifestyle
Your immigrant parents may judge your life or lifestyle unfairly. They might judge who you are with, what you do for a living, whether you are single, married, polyamorous or monogamous, and so on. What’s worse is that many of the things they think are your “choices” are part of who you are. These include various neurodivergent traits such as ADHD, transsexuality, being gay, etc. They cannot help but reject you because they are petrified of new information that contradicts what they know. They may try to hide their prejudices, but still you may feel undermined by their casual comments, facial expressions, or punitive silences.
Unfortunately, their view is rooted in naiveté and potentially outdated knowledge about the world. Many baby boomers see the world as a linear place where success and fulfilment can only be achieved by following a proven career path and life plan. They grew up when concepts like authenticity, diversity, and inclusion were less prominent. Perhaps they learned in church or school that you deserve less happiness if you deviate from the norm. (Of course, we can’t say all Boomers are the same; this is a gross, perhaps unfair, generalization!)
What hurts you is the result of their unconscious bias, and they probably did not do it on purpose. Although they may not voice their criticism directly, as someone with exceptional sensitivity and empathy, you will undoubtedly pick up on clues. It is almost impossible to ‘unsee’ what you have seen and sense that the person is not fully supportive of you, even if they are reluctant to say so.
Some parents are open to new ideas and want to expand their horizons. Other parents, however, remain hostile and defensive.
After several failed attempts, you may limit contact with them and stop seeking their approval. However, this does not mean you should ignore or hide your feelings.
Part of you wants to rationalize the sting of the injustice and deny the pain you are feeling. You can explain the situation away by saying things like, “They did their best,” or “It’s not their fault.” However, it does not matter how true these statements are to you logically; they do not reflect your emotional reality of being rejected by people who should love and accept you.
You can still love your parents even if you are upset or angry with them. It is possible to feel resentful toward your parents and, at the same time, appreciate the sacrifices they made or the depth of their love. You can be offended and, at the same time, appreciate their good intentions.
Neither you nor your parents want you stuck in a cycle of guilt and resentment. The only way to break out of this cycle is to acknowledge and work through your true feelings.
― Helie Lee, Still Life in Rice
7. Growing Up With Learned Helplessness
Internalized shame and societal oppression are also painful sources of difficulty for second-generation immigrants and can lead to an identity crisis. You might have experienced institutional discrimination, microaggressions, and racism as a child if you were born into an immigrant family. Author Renee Kapuku, born in London to parents of Congolese and Nigerian descent, writes about witnessing prejudice firsthand. “Watching how the person at the post office talks down to your father because he has a slight accent. Seeing how your parents are spoken patronizingly to at parent’s evening. Watching them alongside you, get to grips with the harsh reality that is a place that was never meant, and will never be, for any of you.”
As a child of immigrants, you may have internalized negative self-beliefs like “I am not good enough” or “I am not worthy,” even if you were never able to put a name to the feelings of worthlessness, powerlessness, shame, or humiliation you experienced.
Psychologists use the term “learned helplessness” to describe the effect of being subjected to systemic oppression and injustice regularly without being able to do anything about it. You may have internalized the idea that no matter how hard you try, it won’t amount to anything in the end. This may damage your self-esteem and ability to pursue goals as an adult. You may also feel powerless in the face of global injustice and corruption. You can’t just shrug them off or pretend they don’t exist, but you’re paralyzed by the belief that changing the world is impossible.
8. No one ever says ‘I Love You’ to you
While their physical needs may be met at home, many children of immigrants report that their emotional needs are not met. Such emotional poverty at home could be caused by several factors, including financial difficulties, cultural norms, transgenerational trauma, struggles with racism, and feelings of inferiority (Chung, 2016).
Your immigrant parents may have struggled with missing family and friends back home, adapting to a new culture, overcoming racism and discrimination, coping with the threat of deportation, and overcoming feelings of being an impostor despite their successes. However, when they were pressured to “make things work,” they could not give their emotions any space. What if their sadness and grief prevented them from coming to work? What if they let out all their emotions and then felt they could not control them, which would lead to a depressive breakdown? With these fears, they felt they had no choice but to suppress any feelings of sadness that might surface.
Therefore, they do not know what to do when you show emotions like shame or sadness. They will actively (or passively) try to silence your feelings, so they don’t have to face their own. They may tell you it’s bad to show emotions, punish you for it, silence you, or use a variety of other tactics to keep you from being expressive and spontaneous.
Cultural norms and values can also play a role in suppressing emotions. For example, men in Latin American cultures have long been expected to adhere to conventional gender roles. (Although this is slowly changing)
In many Asian countries, especially those with a more “introverted” culture, such as Vietnam and Japan, explicit outward expression of feelings is considered a sign of immaturity and lack of discipline. Instead, parents are told to teach their children to be respectful and quiet, so they won’t be an inconvenience to others. In addition, many Asian families view negative emotions such as anger and disappointment directed at adults as signs of disrespect. For second-generation Asian immigrants in the West, bridging the gap between their “internalizing” family culture and the “externalizing” school culture can be difficult. At home, they are taught to keep their emotions in check, but at school, they are encouraged to speak their minds.
Some Asian children suffer from emotional deprivation because their parents never show affection. They have never heard their parents say, “I love you,” even though they see their Western peers being hugged and kissed by their parents. In her childhood, Rebecca Zhong, a second-generation Chinese immigrant living in New Zealand, was envious of her classmates’ parents. She said, We never expressed affection towards one another, we never uttered “I love you,” and we never conveyed gratitude (Debate Mag, 2020).” Of course, this does not mean that Asian parents do not love their children. It’s just a difference in “love languages,” but the cognitive dissonance can still be too much for a young child to navigate.
Furthermore, many immigrant parents are unaware of mental health issues. If you have a mental illness, your parents may unknowingly prevent you from getting treatment. Your immigrant parents might misunderstand your depression as laziness, your eating disorder as defiance, your attention deficit hyperactivity disorder as a character flaw, your borderline personality disorder as attention-seeking, and so on. To your immigrant parents, the concept of seeing a therapist or psychiatrist may be completely foreign, not to mention that such services often cost money.
Many immigrants fear the stigma associated with seeking mental health help for themselves or their children because they live in a close-knit community (e.g., an ethnic neighborhood or a church, e.g., the Korean American Church).
When you meet other families or try to form close relationships with others, the effects of growing up in a home where emotions and psychological needs were denied, repressed, and banished become abundantly clear, even if you were unaware of it at the time. Internalized beliefs that it is unacceptable to express feelings, have emotional needs, or be vulnerable may prevent you from expressing your feelings to others and developing meaningful relationships.
― Charles Yu, Interior Chinatown
Recovering from Childhood Trauma as a Second-Generation Immigrant
1. Grieve for the family you never had
Wishing that your immigrant parents could have been different is one of the most striking unspoken struggles among second-generation immigrants. You may long for parents who are on the same intellectual level as you, who share your values, and who are not the exact opposite of you politically or spiritually. You want parents with whom you can have open and honest conversations about important issues in life and the world and who truly understand you. But because “everyone” believes you are the way you are because of their sacrifices, it is considered wrong to be seen as ungrateful in any way.
You are not ungrateful; you appreciate everything you have. But that does not change the fact that it’s not easy being the child who has to take care of his parents physically, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually… from a young age. The most difficult aspects of growing up with immigrant parents are the intangible ones, such as the lack of helpful guidance, humor, and playfulness, and the fact that after all this time, they still do not seem to see you for who you are.
In addition to physical protection, children have other basic needs, such as the right to be respected as an individual, to form meaningful relationships with others, to make their own decisions, and to have their emotions respected and mirrored. If you are unable to have these needs met sufficiently, you are traumatized, regardless of how prosperous you appear to the outside world.
We need to grieve for the parents we longed for but never had to move on. You may have spent your whole life trying to suppress the anger you feel for your parents. You cannot admit to yourself how disappointed you were in your parents until your heart is strong and your mind is stable enough to know that you will not collapse in overwhelming grief. In other words: Allowing yourself to feel anger, however unpleasant it may be, is a step toward mental health.
You may not want to confront your parents directly, and indeed, you do not have to. Still, it’s okay to admit to yourself that parentification has harmed you, that you have been sucked into codependency, that you have been forced to play a subordinate role in life to protect them from their fears, and so on. No feeling has to be “justified” or “fair” to be acknowledged. You have every right to feel down and angry. You can still love your parents, even if you wish they are different in some ways.
You can work through your feelings without them by talking to a therapist or trusted friend, journaling, etc. Just because you have permitted yourself to be sad does not mean you have to wallow indefinitely in the past. Taking time to grieve means acknowledging your feelings and coming to terms with the truth. As you continue this process, you will gradually experience a sense of release. As you permit yourself to process your feelings of resentment and anger toward your parents, you will find that your anger no longer explodes in inappropriate places (e.g., by throwing a tantrum even when there is no obvious trigger). You can choose to move on as you grieve for the “perfect parents” you deserved but never had and accept that the two people you are destined to parent were not able to give you the love, guidance, and intellectual stimulation you crave. You can either continue to fight for something that will never be, or find a new way to love them. By doing so, you will be able to accept them better and show more patience and love to them.
However, this comes with the caveat that no abuse is ever justified. Separating yourself from narcissistic parents who are toxic or abusive is always an option. If, on the other hand, you choose to maintain a relationship with them, you would do well to offer your deepest empathy for their limitations.
2. Letting go of the need to change anything
You and your parents might disagree on many things, such as politics, religion, whether or not you should have children, how you should raise them, how close you should live, and how often you should call or visit them. It can feel as though either you are always trying to persuade them or they are always trying to persuade you.
Despite rationally knowing that we can not change our parents’ behavior, many of us feel the urge to keep trying to change our minds. In psychology, this is called “repetition compulsion”
Yet when we insist on “helping” them, “teaching” them, and “guiding” them, we are not being truly loving or empathetic . We just impose our own ideas of what it means to be “functional,” “healthy,” and “good” on them.
You have good intentions. You want them to adopt healthy behaviors, such as eating well, maintaining positive relationships, engaging in worthwhile activities, and enjoying themselves in their free time. You want them to stop fighting over petty things, continue to learn and grow as people, prioritize their health, and give up habits that harm them.
We may see them as uneducated, misinformed, stubborn, and politically ignorant. What keeps them stuck in their dysfunctional routines? Why are they not trying to expand their horizons and keep up with the news? Why are they unable to form objective opinions? For what purpose do they hoard so much useless junk? Why do they have such an unhealthy relationship with money? Why do they vote for the wrong candidate? Our judgment can be limitless.
But no matter how covertly we try to push our agenda on them, we only succeed in making them more hostile and defensive.
Perhaps we need to remind ourselves that our aging immigrant parents are not always lacking in sincerity or effort but mostly lacking in ability.
Nowadays, we live in a postmodern world where the dominant ideology is that there are no absolute truths and that everything is a social construction. However, our immigrant parents grew up in a time when there were definite answers to questions. Institutions such as churches and the government were deemed trustworthy, and that there always seemed to be fixed doctrines for things. Trying to explain or discuss our values around complex ideas like queer theories, gender as a spectrum, religious divisions, equality, inclusion, and environmental sustainability will only alienate them if they lack the capacity for abstract reasoning.
As for their lifestyles and routines, they may fear the willpower to change or be too embarrassed to tell you the truth. Underlying their stubborn defensiveness or avoidance may be underlying vulnerabilities and limitations. Being a role model and demonstrating the desired behavior change can be more effective than simply preaching it. However, changing is a decision that your parents must make for themselves, and we cannot force them to do so.
If you decide that it is too uncomfortable or that the gap between you is too vast to even communicate, you may decide to spend less time with them. But our right to distance ourselves does not include the power to force another person to conform to our standards.
If you do not like or agree with something, that does not mean you accept it, but you can still learn to live with the fact that your parents think or act in a certain way. It’s okay too to be honest with your parents about the things you dislike or resent; once you have done that, you can move on. Although it may be difficult, loving someone means accepting their differences more than persuading them to adopt your way of thinking.
3. Not passing down intergenerational trauma
Research on intergenerational trauma started with Holocaust survivors and their children (Danieli, 1998). Since then, many studies have consistently found that trauma can be consciously or unconsciously transmitted across generations.
Various trauma caused by your parents’ upheaval, including anxiety, paranoia, loss of a sense of belonging, a sense of being uprooted, a lack of a sense of place, feelings of shame, and inferiority, may be transmitted to you through shared emotional experiences or attachment deficits. For example, when a child constantly witnesses their parents’ anxiety and hypervigilance, they may develop a similar stance toward the world and its perils. At the same time, your parent may try to impose their own fears on you, discourage you from taking risks or being spontaneous, place too much value on outward success, or be overly protective and controlling.
Trauma can be passed down from generation to generation, and the effects can be devastating. However, since we can’t keep blaming our parents, we must take matters into our own hands and start the process of healing. You can free yourself from the burden of your ancestors’ trauma and start a new chapter in your life.
Step one realizes you may have inherited dysfunctional patterns from your parents. Reflect on the following questions: How do you interact with established authorities? How do you feel about money? Do you feel guilty when you outshine others, especially your siblings or parents? How able are you to connect with others and sharing your feelings?
Dysfunctional family patterns may be passed down from generation to generation without our even realizing it. But you can consciously decide what sort of parent you want to be, and this will serve as the foundation. You can share your family’s migration history and talk openly with your children about the challenges you faced as a second-generation immigrant. Then, intentionally work with your children to find a new narrative they can healthily internalize as third-generation immigrants, which includes an integration of, rather than a toxic denial of, their ancestral past.
It might be necessary to set boundaries with your parents as an adult if you have experienced intergenerational trauma in the form of ongoing abuse, such as emotional blackmail, financial abuse, name-calling, gaslighting, disregard for boundaries, etc. Parents or other family members stuck in toxic codependency may try to guilt you into submission or label you as the “black sheep”. But even just to protect your children, it is important that you work on assertively refusing abuse and stopping it from being passed down.
4. Don’t ignore your existential anguish
No matter how far you’ve come, you might feel obligated to repay your parents for everything they did to provide for you and your siblings. It’s entirely possible that your subconscious guilt are actually the driving force behind many of your life’s achievements.
But at some point in your life, you may feel an existential angst that looms larger and larger as days go by. Perhaps you yearned for something more soulful, a deeper connection to others and the world, or were seized by a desire to leave a legacy of some sort; or you longed for the sense of lightness, playfulness, and creativity you once had. Any major change in your life, like the loss of a job, a divorce, an accident, etc., can set off your spiritual/existential/midlife crisis.
When you are confronted with your existential angst, you realize what got you “here” won’t get you “there”. Carl Jung suggests that the average person spends the first half of their life trying to fit into society’s mold and meet their parents’ and teachers’ expectations. A persona (similar to the ‘false self’ we discussed earlier, though the ‘false self’ refers to something more specific in terms of our dynamics with our parents) or social mask is constructed based on external influences like our family, upbringing, culture, and religion. When we spend most of our lives in our persona, however, we ignore our inner calling and struggle against our life’s true purpose.
Consider this quote from Carl Jung about his childhood.
“Somewhere deep in the background, I always knew that I was two persons. One was the son of my parents, who went to school and was less intelligent, attentive, hard-working, decent, and clean than many other boys. The other was grown up — old, in fact — skeptical, mistrustful, remote from the world of men, but close to nature, the earth, the sun, the moon, the weather, all living creatures, and above all close to the night, to dreams, and to whatever “God” worked directly in him…” Young Jung knew that he had to put on a mask to please his parents and the rest of society, but he also knew that when he was alone, he could be himself: ”At such times I knew I was worth of myself, that I was my true self. As soon as I was alone, I could pass over to this state’.
There comes a time when you have to challenge the history your parents taught you and embark on discovering your true soul and inner mystery. This happens typically around midlife (though in the modern era, it is often much earlier). When the time comes, even if you know what to do logically, you may experience guilt or fear when it is time to embrace your independence. You might be afraid that you will break their hearts if you follow your heart. You could feel like a “bad person” for rejecting your parents’ morals and standards.
But You can’t ignore the call of existential dread if you feel it. If you ignore the call to be yourself, you may end up getting sick, whether that’s emotionally (with depression and anxiety) or physically (with illness and pain). There’s no need to feel guilty about developing your individuality; you’re not doing anything wrong or harmful. After putting in the time and effort, you’ll gain the confidence to let go of the past and create a new story that truly reflects who you are. Individuating as an adult may be temporarily turbulent, but you and your parents will soon settle into a new, more healthy, sustainable equilibrium.
5. Embracing your Lost Shadows
Many second-generation immigrants need to reintegrate and embrace not only their “shadows” (the rejected dark parts of themselves) but also their “light” (the rejected good parts of themselves). Perhaps you have always felt like a fraud in this world. Perhaps you have failed to acknowledge your talents and abilities, or you consider words like “power” and “ambition” taboo. The trauma of internalized shame and racial prejudice has slowed you down because, after all, no one expected an immigrant child to be better than everyone else.
You may have hidden your true creative or unconventional ambition from your parents for fear of disappointing them. You can not even imagine how they would react if you decided to leave the “safe path” of a college degree, get a steady job in a respectable field, become a lawyer or doctor, major in STEM, marry when you should, etc. You hid your wild side from them and suppressed your natural inclination to playfulness and imagination.
When you stop hiding and start shining again, you reclaim your light. One possible first step is to stop avoiding compliments. Instead, train yourself to accept them as at least partially true and bask in the admiration and affection of others. Try to stop missing out on life and create the future you want. When you embrace your brilliance, you are not being boastful. Rather, it is a generous gesture. By standing into your gifts, you can give the world access to your talents and help in ways that are truly meaningful. After all, this is what your immigrant parents worked so hard for and what they want to see in you.
To Conclude
Navigating childhood with immigrant parents could nearly feel impossible, as the conditions that we find ourselves in almost guarantee a rocky journey to adulthood. Nonetheless, as you enter the second half of your life, overcoming any second-generation immigrant trauma may appear impossible not only is it possible but it is also essential. You can fully own your unique identity as a second-generation immigrant and thrive by embracing emotions and giftss that you have previously repressed.
Reclaiming your truth is essential to establishing a sense of belonging in the world and assisting others similar to yourself. If you an do this, you can even build meaningful bridges between yourselves, your families, and your communities . With your unique perspective, narrative and gifts, that is something only you can do.
A Poem
I stand here on firm ground built by the hands of my ancestors,
Verse two lives intertwined within the land I call home.
My truth has been forgotten,
Where I’m from was once so commonly known.
But my second-generation road is often fraught,
Cut off from roots, culture, and home.
Still, I channel the strength of the ancestors that came before,
Sorting through the truths remembered and those unknown.
Determined to craft an identity of my own,
I reclaim my story that has been overthrown.
Original version in Eggshell Therapy and Coaching
