‘Everything was NOT Okay’

The Mechanism of Self-Aggression and Self-Blame

We can endure all kinds of pain. It’s shame that eats men whole.”
― Leigh Bardugo

Something profound and unsettling happened when you were growing up in an environment where empathy was scarce and your truth was systematically silenced.

As a child, you might have instinctively felt that something was amiss within your family dynamics. However, facing the truth — that those who were supposed to nurture and protect you were actually sources of distress — was too daunting a reality for your young mind to accept.

In response to this harsh environment, you might have found yourself adopting the narrative that your caregivers were good parents — as long as they provided the basics like food and shelter.

This rationalization served as a coping mechanism, shielding you from the full impact of emotional neglect. You also learned quickly that expressing any negative emotion — from anger to disappointment, or even a desire for closeness — was viewed as burdensome. This taught you early on that your emotional needs were neither valid nor important, contradicting your intrinsic human need for affection and validation.

Your tendency to self-blame can be further understood through psychoanalytic theories…