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How to Set Boundaries with Toxic Parents- Without Regrets
Setting boundaries with parents is a weighty and profound journey, especially for those of us who have dealt with unempathic, narcissistic, or emotionally needy parents. The question, “What if they die and I regret it?” brings together two societal taboos — the need to establish boundaries with our parents and contemplate our mortality. However, there is a path to breaking free from this hope->disappointment->guilt->regret cycle.
In this introspective article, we delve into the transformative power of embracing true grief for what we never had and mental strategies we can use to liberate ourselves from the chains of fear and regret.
“I’d assumed that once I’d passed the age of twenty, I’d gained the power to do everything alone. But I’d been wrong about that, and this just brought it home to me, again, that I still had a long way to go.”
― Banana Yoshimoto, Moshi Moshi
Despite enduring repeated hurt, many who have been parentified find themselves grappling with the challenge of establishing boundaries with parents who are needy, immature, and controlling.
No matter how much you read or how many times you go to therapy, you may still feel helpless in the face of their constant need for your attention and approval. They always want to know that what they’re doing is right, and they want you to be there for them, answer their calls, and give your time and energy to them without thinking about what you need.
And when you try to establish some boundaries, they set up guilt trips, play on your emotions and make you feel responsible for their bad feelings and melodrama.
What stops you from stepping away from parents who are clearly toxic?
In addition to reasons such as emotional blackmail from them, the long-held sense of responsibility instilled in you from birth, the fear of societal judgment, and the pressure to compensate for the actions of your estranged siblings, one obstacle often weighs heavily: the fear of regret.
What if I regret not having done more to take care of them, and it becomes too late?
