Quiet BPD and the Mask of Emotional Detachment
Imagine a person whose heart has been shattered by pain and trauma, leaving them feeling like a mere shadow of their true self. Maybe they experienced losing a loved one, the pain of betrayal, or the emotional turmoil of a broken relationship. What happened has left them vulnerable, fearful, and unsure of how to proceed. They have withdrawn from themselves, others, and any relationship possibilities to protect themselves from further harm and built a fortress around their heart.
This person is emotionally detached. They live in a desolate state, starving themselves of emotional intimacy and closeness. Even when they deeply want connection, their fear holds them back. They may do things that confuse themselves and others, such as reaching out for connection in small ways, but then quickly retreat into their shell.
At the core of their defensive strategy lies a deep-seated fear of being vulnerable again and allowing themselves to be hurt as they had. This fear can be so strong that it keeps them trapped in a no-man land–unable to reach out to others for fear of being hurt, but also unable to connect with their own emotions for fear of losing control.
So they had no choice but to build a fortress around their hearts, shielding themselves from the warmth and tenderness of close relationships.
The tragedy began when the innately emotionally sensitive, intense, and gifted soul became emotionally detached. It was not a conscious choice but what needed to happen for survival.
Since the closing down of their painfully sensitive heart, they exist in a desolate state. They have become a barren, dead creature that they do not recognize in the mirror.
― Dana Arcuri
Beyond Stereotypes: Emotional Detachment in Quiet BPD
Emotional detachment is not commonly associated with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), which is commonly understood as ‘feeling too much’ rather than ‘feeling too little’. What is frequently overlooked, however, is the fact that emotional detachment or numbing oneself can be a coping mechanism in response to feeling out of control of one’s emotions. The chronic detachment that results can be just as debilitating and painful as the extreme mood swings associated with ‘classic’ BPD.
Quiet borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a subtype of BPD in which individuals do not exhibit the classic symptoms of BPD, such as impulsive behaviour or outward emotional outbursts. Instead, they internalise their emotions, turn against themselves, and have shame-driven (rather than impulsive) tendencies towards self-harm and suicidality, as well as a chronic sense of emptiness and disconnection. (For more on Quiet BPD)
Unlike the “classic” presentation of BPD, which is characterised by intense emotional reactivity and emotion externalisation, one with the quiet subtype tends to internalise their emotions, resulting in a more subdued expression of their symptoms.
People with Quiet Borderline Personality Disorder frequently suffer in silence because they are misdiagnosed, misunderstood, and mis-typed.
Emotional detachment is a common core feature of Quiet BPD that few mental health professionals are aware of.
Instead of intensely feeling everything, they may feel nothing at all, as if they are living in a world devoid of colour and feeling (though many find themselves rapidly switching between the two states).
Because it may not be immediately apparent to others, this detachment can be particularly difficult to recognise and diagnose. Quiet BPD patients may appear to be functioning normally on the outside, but they are everyday tormented byw feelings of emptiness, loneliness, and disconnection.
Structural Dissociation: The Double-Edged Sword of Innate Sensitivity in “Quiet BPD”
Emotional detachment manifests itself in Quiet BPD via a process known as structural dissociation.
Structural dissociation is an internal, unconscious psychic split of a person’s personality into distinct parts, each with its own set of beliefs, emotions, and memories.
Following the internal split, there will be a ‘normal self,’ which is part of the personality that performs day-to-day activities such as work or social interactions. This aspect of the personality is seen as functional, and it may be capable of interacting with others in a healthy and adaptive way.
On the other hand, the’ wounded self’ is the aspect of one’s personality associated with the trauma. This aspect of the personality is the house for all painful emotions, memories, and beliefs associated with the traumatic experience.
It’s like a wounded inner child who has been hidden away in a closet, screaming but unable to be seen or heard.
The wounded self is frozen in time at the age of the trauma. While it is mostly hidden, it can be triggered by reminders of the trauma, resulting in emotional dysregulation, flashbacks, and other PTSD symptoms.
When people with Quiet BPD operate under their ‘normal self,’ as society and daily demands such as parenting require, they lose touch not only with their ‘wounded self’ but also with everything that comes with their sense of true self — spontaneity, playfulness, creativity, and the ability to feel joy and love.
This seemingly emotionally detached persona gradually embeds itself within the psyche until it becomes a core part of their being.
Given the growing body of evidence linking BPD to hyper mirror-neuron activity, it is reasonable to believe that those with Quiet BPD are born with an innate sensitivity and empathy for others. They were once emotionally porous, overly empathic, intuitive, constantly absorbing and feeling the emotions of others. However, this sensitivity can become a double-edged sword when they are exposed to trauma. It can make them more vulnerable to being hurt and cause them to feel the pain of betrayal, rejection, and loss more acutely than others.
To protect their sensitive core, they may have unconsciously withdrawn and built walls around themselves to cope with this pain. They may try to numb themselves to the intense emotions they are experiencing, even going so far as to become unfeeling. As psychologist Winnicott puts it, losing one’s “true self” is a true tragedy.
In other words, suppressing emotions, particularly anger, and shame, has resulted in a barren, unfeeling persona within.
The once-sensitive, empathic, and feeling-oriented soul becomes an extreme, distorted version of themselves, detached and distant from the very deep emotions that once brought them so much vitality.
― Anthon St. Maarten
Seeing Beyond the Veil
To summarise, while emotional detachment is not typically identified as a core feature of BPD in conventional psychiatry, it is important to recognize that it can be present in people with BPD, particularly those who belong to the “Quiet BPD” subtype or engage in overcontrol behaviors. They may not fit the stereotype of BPD, but their pain is just as real and valid.
Emotional detachment is a reaction to a world that has deeply hurt them and has become their means of survival. We must understand that they are not being deliberately distant and aloof. They are not cold and callous but desperately trying to protect something fragile and delicate on the inside. To reach them, we must look past the barriers they’ve erected, guided by compassion and understanding.
This is part of a longer article on Quiet BPD. For more on these topics, please refer to Eggshell Therapy and Coaching.
