Repetition Compulsion: Why do we keep going back to our abusive parents?
Repetition compulsion is a psychological phenomenon in which we repeat a traumatic event or the feelings associated with it to cope with it. This can happen in various ways: by reliving the trauma in the form of nightmares or flashbacks, thinking about it compulsively, or even engaging in self-destructive relationships and behaviours.
In the unconscious goal of wanting to receive the love and approval our parents never gave us, we might replicate the behavioral patterns we acquired as children. It can seem like an endless circle when we are caught in a cycle of hurt and pain with our parents, but it is possible to break free of the repetitive urge with awareness and time.
Why do we keep going back to the parents that mistreated us?
It often takes years and many attempts before we finally free ourselves from our abusive, undermining and bullying parents. We can’t seem to stop returning back to our parents, even though we are aware of how they continue to degrade, hurt, and humiliate us. We go to them seeking acknowledgement and praise but instead get disrespectful degradation and insults.
Our instinctive response to traumatic events is to try to understand them. We want to know how and why something so dreadful and unthinkable has occurred. Ironically, our mind uses this defence mechanism — referred to in psychoanalysis as repetition compulsion — to shield ourselves from more harm.
We frequently find ourselves in relationships that mirror recurring themes from our upbringing. Perhaps our domineering partner behaves in a similar way to our alcoholic father. Perhaps we stay too long in a poisonous work environment and put up with abuse because we feel powerless in the face of any potential change. These relationships can feel familiar and, in a strange way, “comfortable,” even if they are demeaning, humiliating, and abusive.
We hope for a different result this time, which is one of the causes of repetition compulsion. We may still go outside of ourselves for relationships, employers, and teachers who will give us the attention, care, and acceptance we need because our parents may not have provided us with what we emotionally require. Even though we are aware that it is impossible, we unconsciously attempt to make things right.
Repetition Compulsion is a result of our unconscious resistance to grieving.
We all have a child inside of us that will not give up. As children, to presevre our sanity and to survive, we naturally try to find excuses for our parents and justify away any maltreatment. In spite of the fact that this tactic is no longer effective in our adult lives, we still act in the same way. Therefore, we keep trying and knocking on the wrong doors until we are so damaged and wounded that we are paralyzed in life, refusing to acknowledge the greatest anguish and suffering — that our parents cannot love us as we deserve.
Regrettably, repetition compulsion is rarely effective in helping people recover from trauma. It frequently makes matters worse. If our parents are unable to show us the love we deserve, our continuous attempts simply serve to further harm ourselves. We would eventually lose all self-respect and there would be no turning back.
The trauma said, “Don’t write these poems.
Nobody wants to hear you cry
about the grief inside your bones.”My bones said, “Write the poems.”
― Andrea Gibson, The Madness Vase
Repetition Compulsion — When the Abuse is not Obvious
When your parent’s abusive behaviors are not explicit, obvious, or constant, it might be challenging to recognize the effects of abuse. They may abuse you in a way that is not overtly violent or physical but nonetheless weakens you or slowly erodes your sense of self and self-worth.
For instance, they can treat your siblings far better but deny it. They might disregard you as the “ill one” in the family or expel you like the black sheep. They might sabotage the identity you’re trying to create for yourself so they can manipulate you like a puppet. They might behave toward you as though you were an extension of themselves, preventing you from veering from the course they have planned for you. They can be jealous of you and try to ruin you if you stand out for your beauty, intelligence, relationships, eloquence, or performance.
As a victim of abuse, you could then develop self-loathing, internalized shame, imposter syndrome, and the inability to fight for what you deserve after years of invisible assault. Now, even as a grown-up, you almost instantly anticipate being pitied, attacked, and dragged low when you accomplish in life. Alternatively, you may believe that you are a fraud and that your good fortune will soon be withdrawn.
If your parents have always acted the victim and gaslighted you, you can have a strong and enduring belief that you are toxic and will constantly be harming other people. You continually feel bad and ashamed, as though you should shield everyone from you.
The trauma caused by invisible toxic family dynamics can be harmful and long-lasting, even if there is no physical or sexual abuse.
Interactions with your parents that are harmful — a Few Examples
It may be difficult to realize the full degree of the abuse if you have lived your entire life in denial. However, if you pay great attention, you may see how harmful every interaction with your parents is. For instance, they disregard your opinions and won’t let you have your own values and identity no matter what you say to them.
Every statement you make is contradicted, and they insist that they are “playing devil’s advocate.”
Unless it is obvious that these individuals are their allies and not yours, they isolate you from those who support and love you.
As they vie for your attention and attempt to regulate your behavior in any close relationship, they criticize your new partners while vying with them for your time.
They accuse you of living a “misinformed,” “too naive,” or erroneous lifestyle.
They continually imply that you are acting improperly and give you advice on how to live your life in accordance with their own beliefs and experiences.
When someone insults or berates you, they don’t sympathise with you; instead, they give the opposing side the “benefit of the doubt.”
They are intrusive, seeking information they will later use to manipulate.
They exert control over you and employ intimidation, silence, and passive aggression to make you act according to their agenda.
They make an effort to psychoanalyze you and identify you as pathological.
They tell you that you are “too sensitive,” “too dramatic,” and “think too much” when you go to them for solace and confidence.
Their persistent attempts to undermine you frequently masquerade as acts of protection or even of love and caring. To make matters worse, you might have spent your formative years attempting to excuse their nasty actions or find justifications for them.
However, if you have the strength to stand back and pay attention to your body’s and emotions’ signals, you will be able to recognize how your parents’ immaturity, trauma, and dishonesty caused them to behave in painful and demeaning ways.
They might not be “evil people,” but they are parents who are unable to fully love you as you deserve. It’s time to take a step back and protect yourself if you are traumatised each time you turn to them in times of need.
“The feeling that she had never really lived in this world caught her by surprise. It was a fact. She had never lived. Even as a child, as far back as she could remember, she had done nothing but endure. She had believed in her own inherent goodness, her humanity, and lived accordingly, never causing anyone harm. Her devotion to doing things the right way had been unflagging, all her successes had depended on it, and she would have gone on like that indefinitely. She didn’t understand why, but faced with those decaying buildings and straggling grasses, she was nothing but a child who had never lived.”
― Han Kang, The Vegetarian
Becoming Free from Repetition Compulsion
Here are some psychological techniques you can use to break free from repetition compulsion:
Seeing Their Limits Clearly
Why do we always go back to the parents that mistreated us? Why do we keep going back to the people who have hurt us so deeply and damaged our sense of self-worth?
Deep down, we might be hoping that they will eventually behave differently and treat us fairly. Another possibility is that we are so accustomed to receiving poor treatment that it seems normal to us.
Most significantly, we persevere because we all deeply, innately yearn to be understood, heard, and appreciated. The irony is that we crave acceptance, validation, recognition, and attention more intensely if we have parents who undermine us. We are also more likely to keep attempting to get this from our dysfunctional parents, even if we have repeatedly failed at it. We are kept captive in a destructive and depressing circle by repetition compulsion.
We will only experience increasing amounts of pain if we continue to turn to our parents for love, care, acceptance, and praise and refuse to accept reality for what it is. We can internalize the feeling of failure and guilt to the point where it prevents us from moving forward in life and limits our potential.
If possible, give up on the hope that your parents can meet your emotional needs. “My parents are not my (emotional, spiritual, psychological) parents” can be a potent mantra for some people. Even if you share a biological bond with them, they are unable to serve as your ‘true’ parents. They may give you material support and have the finest of intentions. However, they are unable to comfort you when you’re feeling down, offer you wise and responsible life advise, or show you sympathy when you’re in pain.
You shouldn’t try to borrow a comb from a bald monk, as a Chinese saying goes. They can only do what they can do, which does not include emotional support and a mature relationship. Because of this, you may want to avoid the urge and temptation to open up to them about delicate issues in your life and instead turn to other people for support, such therapists, close friends, loving spouses, and your own inner parent.
This does not mean that you must distance yourself from them or never see them again (more on this in the following point), but you should probably stop looking to them for empathy, company, consolation, and unconditional love.
Redefining What Breaking Free Means
Some of us feel guilty when we distance ourselves from our parents because we perceive it as abandonment. Our own values of loyalty, love and devotion may cause us to feel as though we are betraying our own family.
But this isn’t really “cutting the cord. This is a mature way of moving your relationship to another level.
We can learn to reinterpret what setting boundaries means. It is a more mature form of love rather than desertion or betrayal. Sometimes it helps to imagine our parents as children, especially if they really are emotionally childish.
They might not love us how they ideally want to because of their immaturity and psychological constraints. Instead, their trauma and insecurity dictate what they say and do. Their insecurities cause them to be envious of their own children, dread their children’s success and attractiveness, seek to control how they live their lives, and project their own anxieties and concerns onto them.
Although they try, they are unable to control their destructive behaviours. Therefore, it is up to us to take the initiative as long as we can set boundaries and say no.
Like young children, our parents secretly want to have our “no,” our disobedience, and our independence. Instead of continuing to be a puppet or an extension of their neuroses, the wise part of them wants us to develop into our own unique selves and find our place in the world.
Since we are responding to the healthy and sensible part of our parents rather than the sick and dysfunctional part, we must keep in mind that saying no and walking away, despite what they may say on the surface, is also a method of honouring and loving our parents.
It is not a betrayal to refuse our parents’ requests for co-dependence. Instead, we are giving our parents the assistance they need to accomplish things they otherwise could not.
Using your body’s memories to defend yourself against repetition compulsion
When you initially establish boundaries with your parents, you could feel a little disoriented and be tormented by the temptation — even the compulsion — to revert to old behaviors, to divulge every detail of your life to them, and to get their praise, affirmation, and support.
But if you stay on your current trajectory, history will probably repeat itself.
Although there is a minor chance that you may receive the approval you sought (which is why you are tempted to try), the cost and danger of seeing how your parents would react are painfully high.
You might need to use your body’s memories to help youself. Allow the pain of interacting with your parents to be fel rather than pushing it away, denying it, or rationalizing it. Allow your entire body to experience it in addition to your heart. Feel the tightness in your muscles, your broken heart, your sinking stomach, your heavy legs, and the lump in your throat. Allow your body’s recollections to direct your action. Then, when you feel a compulsion to reach out to your parents, tellingthem everything about your life, pause. Rather than continuing the cycle, take a moment to breathe, halt, and find a substitute behavior (such as calling a friend, having a hot shower, meditating, or occupying oneself with a book or video game).
Keep your inner child nourished
Your adult self is aware of how harsh and hurtful your parents are and that there is little reason to believe that they will improve. But it is not your adult-self that drives you into repetition compulsion, but yoru inner child.
It is your inner child that wants to turn to your parents. It was your inner child who was helpless in the face of a toxic parental bond. It was they who desperately wanted to please their parents so that they would not be incapacitated. If possible, in your mind’s eye, gently hold your inner child’s hand and remind them that the people who are supposed to love them are unfortunately unable to do so. But fear not, for the adult you are here now to take their place, and you are infinitely more loving, stable and consistent than your biological parents will ever be.
Pay attention to your inner child. Set aside some time each day to hear what your inner child has to say.
Listen to your inner child. What do they need? Sometimes our inner child just needs to be heard. So take a little time each day to listen to what your inner child has to say.
Give your inner child what they need. Give them lots of love, attention and care, so they don’t need to go and knock on your biological parents’ door for it.
Speak kindly to your inner child. Talk to them as kindly and encouragingly as you would a real child. When we learn to love our inner child, we can learn to forgive ourselves when we are not perfect. Spend time with your inner child. Set aside some time each day to just be with your inner child. Play games, read stories, or just sit and talk together. Let your inner child know that you are there for them.
Create a Freedom Statement of your own
You could compose a letter to yourself as a reminder of the new path you want to follow, which is one of healthy individuation and self-love. A freedom statement, often referred to as a freedom manifesto, is a written expression of your individual convictions regarding who you are and what you are entitled to. Beliefs about relationships, childhood, and what you appropriately deserve could be included. This is a statement that you have made the decision to defend yourself and fight against abuse.
You can begin by telling yourself that today is the day that you will write your freedom statement against abusive parents.
“I won’t let the past control how I live my life. I will no longer put up with anything less because I deserve love and respect.
I’ll do whatever it takes to ensure that I get to live a safe and happy life. No one has the authority to harm or manipulate me. Nobody will be able to take my power away from me.
I’ve made the decision to start loving myself today. I won’t put up with anyone treating me with anything less than respect anymore. I deserve it because I am deserving.
You can use the sample freedom statement at the conclusion of this article as a guide.
(If you resonate with this article, you may benefit from the following essay:)
Freedom Statement for the Abused and Parentified Child: Breaking Free from Repetition Compulsion
“The conflict between the will to deny horrible events and the will to proclaim them aloud is the central dialectic of psychological trauma.”
― Judith Lewis Herman
Becoming Free from Repetition Compulsion: Freedom Statement for the Abused and Parentified Child
Dear Father/Mother, I am sorry that you are suffering so much, but it is not my job to save you, nor could I save you.
I am sorry that my “no” is perceived as rejection, the pursuit of my dream as abandonment, and the development of relationships outside our family as a betrayal.
I had no intention of hurting you. I am just doing my best to survive in this world, and I am trying to take responsibility for my one and only life.
I can no longer act like your parent.
You and your sadness, anger and sorrow were there before I came into the world. No matter how hard I have tried — and do so all my life — I cannot save you from your misfortune.
All my life, I have tried again and again to imagine, create, maintain and preserve the image of our “happy family.
I try to calm you down when you burst into anger, break down and cry. When others have hurt you, I have protected you, comforted you, and done all I could to please you. But no matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried, I could do little because I was only a child.
I cannot tolerate abuse anymore —
Suddenly I see it.
It shocks me deeply that after all these years, I only now realize the cycle of abuse.
I sustained the abuse through repetition compulsion, but seeing it so clearly now, I am learning to say no.
Just because you appear calm one day does not mean I can completely relax and trust you. Part of me has to be ever vigilant, on the lookout for your next outburst, breakdown, blame, or subtle attack.
Hypervigilance is the training I received from birth and the only way to protect myself.
From time to time, I am tempted to forget all my traumas and indulge in the fantasy that I have “good parents.” By that, I do not mean perfect parents, but stable parents who can serve as a safe haven for me. Maybe I just wish for parents more like what I see in my friends’ homes or maybe what I have seen on TV. But every time I do that, I open the door of my heart too wide, and my tender soul is torn out and thrown away.
I have to stop tearing open my wound again and again so that it can finally heal. I will end the cycle of repetition compulsion.
I have no choice but to stop hoping.
Despair may be what can finally save my life.
I am saying no to control and co-dependence —
I am sorry you feel lost and afraid in this unpredictable, vicarious world. I can no longer live under your paranoia and control. You have trapped me in false security in your quest to control the world.
I can no longer allow you to disempower me, remove my independence and autonomy, and rob me of my only chance to grow in this world.
I understand that you cannot separate yourself from me, but I am not an extension of you. I do not live for you, and I can not share every intimate detail of my life so that you can live through me.
You can have your own life or not, but I must reclaim mine.
I choose my partner, my career, my sexual identity, and my self-definition. I choose where I live, where I work, and how I live my life.
I decline your opinion on any of the above.
Let me live with dignity and pride, so I will no longer allow your raised eyebrows, derogatory comments, and unsolicited advice to undermine the path I walk.
In case one day you want to threaten me with an ‘I told you so,’ I promise you right now that.
I take full responsibility for the consequences of my decisions,
And I am responsible for how my story unfolds.
So please, let me go.
And please stop disempowering me.
I am not ‘sick’, ‘too sensitive’ or too fragile for this world.
You may have had to portray me as weak, strange, and dependent so I would not leave you.
You had to do that so you would always have a project to work on, someone to project things onto and never have to face your demons.
I can not play that role anymore.
Please, take back your projection.
I am much more robust, intelligent, capable and independent than you ever gave me credit for.
I know my departure from repetition compulsion will not be easy.
I am sorry that you may not want me to go.
I am sorry that you feel you have lost the only person you could count on.
I am sorry that you feel like you are going to be lonely.
But that’s not my responsibility, and I can not make it up to you.
You can threaten in all sorts of subtle and explicit ways.
You can destroy your own life and blame it on me,
but I have thought about it repeatedly, and I know my conscience is clear.
I came into this world after you. It was never supposed to be my job to save you from your misery.
It was enough that you had controlled me, suffocated me and restricted me. I could not remain your little helper, saviour or servant for the rest of my life.
I can see that you are the way you are because you have suffered so much.
Sometimes I feel deep compassion for you, even though I am not directly subject to your attacks and control.
Sometimes I wonder if you regret bringing me into the world. You act as if you mourn daily for the freedom, independence and big dreams you could otherwise have. I am sorry you lived a life you did not choose for yourself, and I am sorry if it did not turn out the way you wanted.
With compassion, I see that in the parenting dynamic, I have somehow become your mother/father who abandoned you when you were little. I am also sorry that this happened to you. It must have hurt you deeply and made you afraid of what this world offers. When you say the cruellest, most hurtful and vengeful things, when your own grief and abandonment trauma is triggered, I am learning to see that the little girl inside you is protesting.
I am sorry that you are suffering, dear mom, dad. I cannot put you out of your misery.
From now on —
You do not get to decide the meaning of my life.
I am not here to live your unlived life, fulfil your unfulfilled fantasies, or compensate you for the sacrifices you have made.
It is my responsibility to relieve myself of the heaviest burden of my life.
From now on, I am free to do what I want to do, to live out my potential and my unique gifts that are not defined by your religious beliefs or the opinions of relatives.
I know you do not want distance between us, but I know how necessary it is with all my body and soul. Unlike the little confused girl I once was, this time KNOW I am right — a clear, unbroken boundary is necessary between us.
I understand that you are sad and angry about this line I draw.
I know you see it as rejection, abandonment, and criticism of you.
I may not be able to convince you otherwise, but as the adult in this relationship, I have to do what is best for both of us.
I know that if I can not say no to you, I will never be free.
However difficult, I have to be willing to do that.
Children are not born to be an extension, rescuers or advisors to their parents. They are not meant to become their parents’ parents, confidants and advisors.
I can only empathise when your toxic abuse and control do not suffocate me. Please then allow me some space for empathy and compassion to grow. That is better for both of us.
I have to remind myself almost every day that I am an adult.
I am independent. I have my own full life.
I no longer have to subject myself to your emotional roller coaster.
You are no longer a threat to me.
I’ll take my two-year-old self, who was sitting in the corner trembling and fearing for her life. I will tell them everything is okay now. I am finally an adult and can stand on my own two feet.
From now on, I will always have to remind myself: My parents are not who I live for. I do not live for them.
I deserve reason. I deserve peace.
I did not come into this world to heal your childhood wound.
I did not come into this world to live an unlived life, to fulfil what you wanted for me.
I cannot compensate for what is lacking in your life — I cannot bring glory where you have failed; I cannot make up for your poverty with my abundance.
I will no longer allow guilt to keep me in chains.
I did not ask to be born into this ‘family’.
All my life, every day, I have done my best to forgive you.
Even when I was little, I only tried to love, to seek love,
From today, I will remember this truth and free myself from a lifetime of guilt:
I am a strong, healthy, independent person.
I will not let your immaturity and selfish needs tell me what to do.
I owe you nothing.
It is not my job in this life to take care of you by putting myself in a co-dependency with you.
I am free from care, manipulation and blame.
I owe myself a whole, living, independent life.
I am leaving.
