It is not all on you.
When we have been traumatized or over-burdened as a child, we have a tendency to assume everything is ‘down to us’.
When things happen according to plan, we assume that
we have been successful because we have worked hard to make it happen.
we are safe because we have been hyper-vigilant and not trusted anyone.
But then, when things do not go our way, when we are in danger, when we are harmed, betrayed, abandoned,
…we also assume it is because we have made a huge mistake, been a ‘bad person,’ been ‘too much,’ not worked hard enough, or that we are fundamentally defective.
This pattern finds its root in a well-meaning protective mechanism created by our psyche.
When you were little, and your parents, sibling, teachers, and peers were mean to you, or those who were supposed to protect you did not protect you, you would not know what to do.
Even when you were neglected and abused, you could not blame your parents because
being angry at those you depend on was an extremely frightening thing to do.
Your young mind feared: ‘If the ONLY people that I must depend on are “bad,” then what else have I got?’
You asked yourself, ‘If there is absolutely nothing I can do to control what happens to me, how can I survive in this scary world?’
So naturally, you resorted to the only thing you could do: blaming yourself.
Subconsciously, you thought:
When bad things happen, it must be because I have not done good enough, that I was somehow defective, or I did something wrong. That way, at least I preserve the idea that the parents I depend on are ‘good’.
And if it was ME that was bad, then at least there is something I can do!
Maybe I can work harder to become a better person.
I can be extremely careful and diligent, so I never make any mistakes.
I will ALWAYS put others’ needs above mine to make sure I am a good person.
I will always study hard, work hard, and make sure I am perfect in whatever I do.
I will always strive for success and recognition; hopefully, that can secure me love.
I will always jump in to mediate the situation when I see conflicts.
I will always put on a brave, happy face and never burden anyone with my sorrow.
I will always be strong and never warrant anyone else to protect me.
I will stop being a child and grow up fast.
I will stop having any needs or feelings.
I will…
I will…
These hums become our narratives. They seep deeply into our psyche and become the cardinal rules that run our lives.
One day, we realize we have lost our innocence, the ability to taste joy or to relax in life.
If you can rewind the clock and go back in time, I wish you could hold the hand of that scared young child and tell them everything is not their fault and that everything was not on their shoulders.
It should never have been their job to cheer up their parents, counsel their family, appease the bullies. They were entitled to the right to be clumsy, to be self-focused, and to make many, many mistakes. They should never have been blamed for being a child.
Perhaps you can take away their heavy burdens of blame, shame, and guilt.
Perhaps, if you can go back in time and liberate that young child of their burden,
You would also, in the present day, feel lighter, freer.
Be kind, but remember other people’s happiness and ease are not your responsibility- even when they are your close loved ones, even when they blame you for hurting their feelings.
You have the right to be angry, speak up, and stop people from violating your boundaries.
See if you can always remember;
Everything is a collaboration with forces outside of yourself that you can’t see.
When things do not happen according to plan, there might be an order or a reason that you do not yet see.
When you want something to happen, you do not have to live under extreme stress and believe you alone need to make it all happen.
You can set an intention, put in your best effort, then let go.
Remember these, and see if today, just for this one day, you can breathe a little better and feel a little lighter.
For just a moment, can you relax into the fact that your reality is a co-creation with the universe?
You deserve to be free.
You deserve to live for yourself.
Breath, you are okay.
You are held by something bigger than you.
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