Tired of Resentment? 4 Ways To Release Anger Towards Our Parents

The relationship between a child and a parent is one of the most instinctively protective, loving, and nurturing things we experience as humans. But for some of us, the connection with our parents is marred by feelings of deep hurt and resentment. These psychological wounds often follow us beyond our childhood and adolescence into adulthood.

There is no comprehensive list of the possible ways in which a child can be left emotionally scarred. The causes of life-long anger that some of us hold against our parent could be due to any of the following:

• Physical or emotional neglect from our parents. They may not be intentionally abusive but were affected by their own vulnerabilities or limited emotional capacity.

• Physical or emotional neglect. Your parents may not be intentionally abusive but were affected by their own vulnerabilities or limited emotional capacity.

• Physical, mental, or sexual abuse.

• Failure of our parent to protect/ defend you from the bully, abuse or anger from another parent.

• Your parents did not attend to you emotionally. They may be physically there but emotionally neglectful.

• Your parent is controlling and deprive you of the opportunity to learn and grow at your own pace.

• Your family scapegoated you as the problematic person.

• They are constantly critical of you.

How can we break free from the shackles of a troubling emotional past, especially when the triggers (the parents) are still part of our present life?

The strategies listed below are aimed at helping us let go of resentment and reclaim our lives.

However, there is no one-size-fits-all prescribed way. Each relationship is different and involves a myriad of complex factors. Please take away what might be useful and discard the rest.

(Here are some of the toxic family dynamics sensitive children tend to get locked into)

Acknowledge anger

“I need to move on; it’s been too long.”

“Remembering the past doesn’t make me feel any better.”

“Nothing can be gained confronting them.”

Does any of this sound familiar? Perhaps at some point in your life, denial and minimizing were the only ways. Perhaps without hiding your pain — both to the outside world and to yourself — you couldn’t have moved forward with your daily life.

Ultimately, we need to reconcile with the deep disappointment of not having the desired relationship with our parent. However, the first step to liberating ourselves from the past is to acknowledge the tragic nature of events, and understand that there is a place for legitimate anger. Just because we recognise we have been failed and have a natural emotional reaction does not mean we unproductively point the finger or blame anyone.

In most cases, what has happened was a result of trans-generational trauma. Perhaps our parents had faced similar conditions themselves as kids, and for them, the behaviour was the only thing they know.

We are releasing the past for our own good, not for anyone’ s sake. We own our stories. We have the right to tell it. The more we are able to share our story — including our anger and resentment — with trusted members of your family and friend circle, or therapists and spiritual teachers, the more we will be able to let go, release, and move on.

Talk about the hurt with our parents

Jeannine Mai, co-host of the popular talk show The Real Daytime, recently posted a a YouTube video about sexual abuse at a young age by a trusted member of her extended family. As a result of the recurring abuse, Jeannine did not speak to her mother for eight years. She was wounded by her mother’s failure to defend her child or even acknowledge what had happened. In the YouTube video, when Jeannine’s mother reveals that she had in fact confronted the assailant, Jeannine had an emotional breakdown as she realized (for the first time) that her mother had believed her about the abuse.

Talking to our parents about aspects of our childhood that have caused lingering emotional hurt can prove to be one of the most powerful and healing conversations we can have. Perhaps, as an adult ourselves, we can begin to see the inner children inside our parents and remember that they were once young and helpless.

This strategy is not always possible. Some parents are more defensive and might never acknowledge what they have done. On some level, they knew they had failed you, and that the feeling of guilt probably makes them more defensive. There is no point in trying to find explanations for their behaviour, nor in convincing them that they have done wrong. Sometimes, justice could never be sought and we need to find other ways to reconcile with our past. We may have to grief the childhood we never have, and stop comparing what we had with other people’s childhood.

Set boundaries with our parents

We can exercise assertiveness and set firm boundaries with our parents. As a child, we could not escape the family home or build a wall to defend ourselves. But as an independent adult, we have the ability to say no, walk away, and minimise contact. At first, this feels uncomfortable. Our parents are likely to resist the change by criticising us or guilt-tripping us. But we ought to find a way to tell them we need to be treated with respect, and they could no longer influence important decisions in our lives. More importantly, we need to believe in our ability to stand on our own two feet. Once we have set boundaries, we must keep all parties accountable. When they cross the line, we say no. If they really cannot respect our need for space and autonomy, we can limit interactions with them. While this seems harsh on the surface, sometimes it is for the greater good. It also does not have to be forever; sometimes, just by limiting contact for a period of time, we give ourselves the time and space to regain clarity and confidence.

Love ourselves and believe in our worthiness

At the end of the day, we want to be able to cross over the bridge of resentment and move to a place of peace. But however cliche this sounds, we need first to love ourselves — embracing both the good and the bad, our ability to love and our rage towards others. We are a survivor for being here today. We deserve to live without emotional baggage.

When we open our heart and mind to the possibilities of tomorrow, we will gradually find that we are no longer weighed down by experiences of the past. With a conscious approach to handling the anger we feel towards our parents we can finally start to repair our relationship with them and hopefully build the foundation for mutual respect and understanding.

If what we do grows into a deep sense of love for our parents, then the journey would have been worth it. If not,we know that we tried, and we will have no regret.

Some child-parent relationships are marred by anger and hurt. Here’s how you can release the anger towards your parents and move on in life.

More on: www.eggshelltherapy.com

“But if you have to go, then go. Go if it hurts. Go if it’s time.”

- Taylor Reid, The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo